Stick to The Script

Please enjoy this short scene from my upcoming, veterinary-themed movie, "What the —K?!". For background information, note that the French bulldog is now well established as America's most popular dog breed (don't get me wrong, they're cute, and routinely sell for $5,000 as puppies, AND are an abomination of nature destined to suffer horribly). Please also note that in the US, the pet food industry ($35 B) is larger than the veterinary services industry ($12 B).

In other words, the people who have spent their entire lives studying the health of animals are under-powered, economically speaking, when it comes to influencing public opinion on the well-being of pets. At least compared to an industry that earns a living selling diets to species that ate our refuse for thousands of years.

Ahh, the grousings of a disaffected professional, you might say. And you'd be absolutely correct. I don't see any way around this problem any time soon. Except of course, to write a fictitious movie scene about an interaction with your average French bulldog owner and an earnest customer service attendant (we used to call them cashiers) at a local boutique pet store. Which is what I've done.

Aaaand action!

SCENE 1. INTERIOR. DAY.

A nice pet store, fully stocked with glossy bags and cans of high-quality food for cats and dogs. Flanked on all sides by fluffy, brightly colored toys of various assortments. The CASHIER, a young, vibrant man in his 20's, gives a toothy smile as the CUSTOMER, a woman in her early 30's glances around curiously as she enters the shop.

SFX
Ding!

CASHIER (cheerfully)
Hi there! Looking for anything specific?

The Customer looks around, overwhelmed by the amount of options. 

CUSTOMER
Um, not really. Just some dog food.

CASHIER
No prob! What kind of dog is your cohabitant?

CUSTOMER
Um, a French bulldog.

CASHIER
O. M. G! I loooove Frenchies! I need to see a picture!

CUSTOMER
Sure. Uh… let me see… 

The Customer pulls out her phone, scrolling for a photo. 

CUSTOMER
Hmm... I guess I just have ones of my kids.

CASHIER
Too bad, I bet she’s super adorbz! I love their smushed little faces and snorty noises and the way their legs drag all over the floor! Ah! They're the best! What's her name?

CUSTOMER
"Barfy".

CASHIER
*Gasp* I love it! 

CUSTOMER
The kids named her. 

CASHIER
Okay, we have some really good options. Nutrition is so important for Frenchies. What are her protein intolerances?

CUSTOMER
What? 

CASHIER (smiles)
Is this your first dog?

CUSTOMER (slightly embarrassed)
Yeah. 

CASHIER
Don’t worry about it!! What’s she eating now?

CUSTOMER
Salmon, I think. It's from Costco.

CASHIER
Like, salmon filets? Okayyy... are you complementing with phytonutrients? 

CUSTOMER
No, I’m–

CASHIER
Fish are really high in thiaminase. Unless you’re balancing that with sunflower seeds– which you have to make sure aren't from Idaho, obviously they use a ton of pesticides there– you could risk getting polio.

CUSTOMER
Excuse me, what? Thiaminase?

CASHIER
Yeah.

CUSTOMER
Like, the enzyme that breaks down vitamin B1? I'm actually a biochemist.

CASHIER (giggling)
Sure! So anyway, ingredient shopping at a mass market chain can be done properly, but be careful! I understand some people are on a “budget”.

The cashier grabs a pamphlet from the countertop.

CASHIER
Here's a guide to natural sources of adaptogens. It was made by a doctor who went to Nepal once.

The cashier reads from the pamphlet.

CASHIER
It looks like dehydrated pineapple could work... You have to use a lot though. How thick are you cutting these salmon filets?

CUSTOMER
No, we're not– She's getting kibble. 

The cashier freezes. 

CASHIER
Costco… kibble?

CUSTOMER
Costco kibble. 

The cashier shrieks and then quickly covers his mouth with a shaking palm.

CASHIER
I’m– I’m sorry. Is at least grain free?!

CUSTOMER
No, the vet said that can cause problems with their heart–

CASHIER (angrily)
Only if you believe corporate funded trash research! You asked your vet about nutrition?!

CUSTOMER
Yeah, why wouldn’t I?

CASHIER
Don’t you know vets are all paid off by those beagle murderers Nestle? They don’t know anything about nutrition! All they do is recommend unnecessary tests and treatments!

CUSTOMER
She did mention something about airway surgery.

CASHIER
See what I mean?! Please don’t let them carve your poor baby up! You just need to stop feeding her all that industrially processed crap and get her on a biologically appropriate diet! Dogs didn't evolve to eat burned little brown balls of kibble. If you don't feed them exactly what their systems are evolved for, they can die!

CUSTOMER (confused)
What... what did French bulldogs evolve to eat?

CASHIER
Well they originated from the French Revolution, so obviously they need an aristocratic diet.

The cashier points to a bag of food, labeled as Gourmandise du Bouledogue Français. The bag's label shows a French bulldog in a lavish, aristocratic chez lounge being served a variety of choice items by humble servants.

CUSTOMER (skeptically)
That seems ahistorical.

CASHIER
Ethically-sourced caviar's the second listed ingredient. 

CUSTOMER
What does that mean?

CASHIER
They remove the eggs surgically and compensate the sturgeon. It’s like surrogacy. 

CUSTOMER (disbelief)
Who does the surgery? A veterinarian?

CASHIER
God no!

CASHIER
I’m not sure–

CASHIER
I'll ring you up. Can we get Barfy a fun new toy?!

CUSTOMER
She's honestly just happy with–

CASHIER
I'll throw in a plush prism puzzle at a 10% discount. They're completely chemical free.

CUSTOMER
I don't think anything can be chemical free. I think everything is technically made of chemicals.

The cashier scans the toy and clicks the keypad, ignoring the customer.

CASHIER
They’re really good for Frenchies. Did you know they're underdiagnosed for both anxiety and ADHD? Put your email here, I signed you up for daily deals and news updates.

CUSTOMER:
Uh–

CASHIER:
Total comes to $112.59.

The customer brings out her credit card. She eyes the small bag of food with suspicion.

CUSTOMER:
How long– uh, how many meals is this?

CASHIER:
You have to discard any unused portion after 20 minutes, otherwise the Listeria starts to grow.

CUSTOMER:
Is that a virus?

CASHIER:
What am I, a doctor? 

End scene