World Class Potential

How gangster was the Paris 2024 Olympics?! Kayak cross is insane. We got to watch a middle-aged Turkish man look like a gangster, an Australian woman try to dance like a gangster (I seriously thought it might be a prank), and Snoop Dogg actually called a horse gangster!

Unfortunately, The D. O. Double G.'s comment triggered my particularly sensitive feelings about horses. Why are those dummies the only animals allowed to compete? Are they really the best we can do? There's enormous physical talent in the animal world, and we're excluding some of the best of it by limiting these events to humans and horses!

I'm not saying all animals should be allowed to go head to head against humans. Obviously, they can out-compete us in any test of strength of reflexes (just ask table tennis cats). We'd get our arses kicked. Plus, we are organizing the whole thing, we deserve to have some fun.

But if we can have equestrian events that combine human and animal athletes, why not maximize the enjoyability of the Olympic Games by going human+ whenever possible? Animals could be part of team sports. There are even some preexisting ones: falconry, sheep dog trials, kitten racing.

Wouldn't that be amazing to see? That's what the Olympics is really about, right? Entertainment? Or did you think there was some deeper message about the miraculous power of competition to promote unity through the promotion of physical excellence? In either scenario, my argument works! Let's get more animals into the Olympics!

Here are a few suggestions:

Ferret-legging

Already exists = no brainer.

It's a well established sport with its own strict judging criteria: you just put live ferrets in your pants and see how long you can handle it. We could be ready for LA by 2028.

Expect the Brits to dominate, as the sport originated in the cheeky little hills of Yorkshire. This could be the only sport where I actually cheer for the Germans. Who knows? It might also have the distinct advantage of avoiding any Olympic gender controversies, as Wikipedia states:

An attempt to introduce a female version of the sport—ferret busting, in which female contestants introduced ferrets down their blouses—proved unsuccessful.

Conditioning? Endurance? Willpower? Come on, International Olympic Committee, we want more genitals in the Games! And more animals! Win, win, win!!

Dolphin High Jump

I'm definitely concerned with the ethics of keeping intelligent animals in captive conditions for their entire life, especially just to put them on display for atrociously behaved tourists. But damn, this would be epic.

Glider Toss

Throwing things is fun. Throwing things that glide is more fun. Tossing events need to utilize gliding animals, like flying squirrels. They can't actual fly, which is good because what's the point of just tossing some pigeons in the air? 

I had a long discussion with ChatGPT about this. We figure that although discus technique would get the animal a lot further, the G force would likely kill it. Not ideal.

But shot put technique might work. We think the force on the animal would be tolerable. The only animal robust enough to handle it is probably the colugo, a sorta primate from southeast Asia.

An impressive shot put throw is only about 20 meters. But when the colugo spreads its wings (actually, it’s patagium), we might get distances of up to 500 feet! Who doesn't want to see that?!

Total Relay

There should be some competition wide rules, such as: your animals don't have to be native to your country but you have to train it and pay for them, squirrels don't need to be drug-tested, and that cats are judges for all events scored by judges.

Here's one more suggestion: all relays must include at least one animal teammate. Field, aquatics, it doesn't make a difference, it's always gonna make it more fun to watch.

Make Goalkeepers Fun¹

Actually, expand that previous rule to all team events. It should be strictly held that every team have at least one nonhuman species, in order to qualify for competition. You don't necessarily have to play them (you can just park a goat on the bench if you want). But it certainly opens up some interesting possibilities.

Artistic Beekeeping

And speaking of inclusion, don't think I forgot about the invertebrates!²

I can't decide if you get more points for getting stung or for not getting stung. Maybe we should call that "sport beekeeping".

Closing Thoughts

Can you imagine the Games' Closing Ceremony? It would be a cacophony of trumpets, whistles and roars. It would be amazing. I hope you're with me on this. Can somebody get a petition going? It's not going to happen unless we demand it. Sure, the organizers have given us horse competitions. That's it. I mean– sure, we have the puppy bowl, but everyone knows that's not a real sport. I'm talking about the real best in the world getting some actual time on the stage. Let's open it up.

1. I've heard it suggest that pulling the goalies would make soccer more interesting, but I think I've got a better idea: for any sport with a goalkeeper, that position must be a bear. You can choose which species makes the most sense for which sport (grizzlies would be ideal for soccer, but pandas with their thumbs might be better for field hockey since they have to hold the stick). I know this seems dangerous, but I think we could use an invisible fence to keep the bears inside the penalty box, which would force players to think twice about getting close enough for a shot on goal.
2. A pejorative name since it includes the vast majority of animal species on Earth and doesn't' even make actual sense from an evolutionary perspective. Calling both an octopus and a beetle "Invertebrates" is like calling you and a squirrel "Wingless Things" and pretending to be smart. But it hard to come up with a more useful term right now.