What Does the Future of Dog Breeding Look Like?

Human-dog relationships used to be based on nothing more than our tolerance for another species eating our trash. That amount of respect, believe it or not, was a rarity in the animal world. But it was good enough at the time to kick off the first domestication of a mammal. And thirty thousandish(ish) years later, these former sortawolves are now codependent toadies who literally think licking our faces is the best part of the day.

Did we do it for them, or for us? We've shaped these creatures into all varieties of shapes, sizes, colors, coat lengths, dental formulas, airway configurations, proclivity to skin allergies and splenic tumors, and valuable symbols of social status. We've morphed them beyond recognition, to suit any number of our needs.

True–most dogs aren't purebred. The roughly 700 million dogs on planet Earth are (and have always been) mutts, which means humans aren't meddling with their reproductive rights.¹ But still, for thousands of years we've turned our best friends into hundreds of different breeds: hunters, herders, guardians–and even breeds with no discernible function, such as pugs.

The ethics are questionable–turning a creature with a functional respiratory system into something monstrous like a French bulldog, for example. An abomination of nature so horrendous that the notoriously tolerant Dutch–at peace with public cannabis, prostitution, and eating raw herring like a hedonistic monarch– have banned them.²

It's modern eugenics, often practiced in rural (sometimes illiterate) folks's backyards.

But most of us seem... perfectly fine with it? I mean, it's not like there's a public outcry to stop dog breeding. It's popular. All the Paw Patrol vermin are purebred. People are so obsessed with the power that even shelter-originating mutts are subjected to involuntary DNA testing, not because people are interested in canine genetics, but because it offers "frisky Spaniel genes" as a convenient excuse for socially-awkward leg-humping.

Once you start looking at dogs as an autonomous species, with their own inherent values and goals, it starts to look a bit deranged.

But since we're gonna do it anyway, let's have some fun! Society is changing, and we need some novel dog breeds to fill the niches we're inadvertently creating. I think there's tons of opportunity here, plus I'd like to be publicly labeled a "thought leader", and I'm positive what you're about to read has not been suggested before.

Therefore, consider the following dog breeds. I think you'll find they perfectly anticipate the harmonious balance canine and human agency. Or so I think...

The Tootso Flatulatto

Nothing says "I'm comfortable around you" more than ripping a loud one in mixed company. Of course, everyone farts, but for some reason it's still socially unacceptable a lot of the time.³

But when a particularly flatulent dog is around, it provides a convenient (if odiferous) cover for anyone else experiencing urgent releases of hindgut gas. Just blame it on the dog! Bred from Boston Terriers specifically to constantly spew rectal gas, it's a new type of support animal.

Of course, you have to smell dogs farts all the time, but that's a small price to pay for finally allowing your sphincter to relax.

The Cardio Shepherd

Flatulence support improves mental health, but did you know dogs need physical exercise too?

You know how you want to be in better shape, but just can't find the time? Well, what if the emotionally-dependent member of your family's mental health depended on it? There's plenty of research that suggest that if you make a commitment to someone else to exercise–promising to meet them at the gym, say–you end up doing it more.

Well, when you promise to take care of an animal that needs 15 miles of resistance training every day, it's gonna be a lot harder to skip a session after a long day at work.

The Roombadoodle

Which is not to say that dogs are just another chore. In fact, they can help!

One of the best uses for dogs (dating way back to the Stone Age) is trash duty. They love eating our leftovers! I think we should lean in and design an efficient, allergen-tolerant breed who stays low to the ground, with a wide tongue and maybe even some CRISPR-edited genes in their saliva with some Swiffer-like properties.

If there's one thing we've learned from the last 20 years of dog breeding, it's that you can put a doodle into anything. So let's finally add some value. ⁴

The Parental Preporatory Pinscher

It's great to have cleanup help when the kids arrive, but dogs serve a purpose for pre-child-bearing families, too.

Obviously, pets are the new kids, but every once in a while a Millenial or a Zoomer still reproduces a human child. Usually it's a shock for members of this somewhat entitled generation (speaking from experience). Parenting is really hard work, which we're not used to doing, so I think we need a new dog breed who can let us develop our technique. Ironing out the kinks beforehand might help us avoid the lingering emotional consequences we see so often in long-lived primates.

The great thing is, we can easily mold dogs to model the qualities of young children: stubbornness, entitlement, emotional volatility, and a tendency to refuse all healthy food.

The Myside Terrier

You know what else I think would help us increasing isolated apes with proclivities for emotional outbursts? Being backed up in arguments! We love to argue, and there's nothing better than feeling supported when you loose a viciously-phrased barb at your opponent.

Right now, small companion dogs such as "Chihuahuas" make a pretty good living barking at anyone who so much as looks at their owners, who provide the emotional dependency these little dogs so crave. In their little Napoleonic minds, the dogs are heroic defenders. But in modern times, the attacks we most often experience come from close, interpersonal interactions. We need a dog with a particular sensitivity to heated arguments, who can sense psychological vulnerability and unleash a furious series of yips and barks after a devastating insult is stabbed into the victim's heart.

The Doggo de Carpoollane

Of course, we don't need to just focus on aggression. We can certainly branch off a group of dog breeds for positive encouragement. We can even create dogs whose sole purpose is to "hold space". In fact, there are times when you just need someone in the right space, at the right time. Which for the busy commuter, might be the passenger seat during rush hour.

Of course, this will come with a requirement for dogs to have equal legal status (and seat belt laws, etc.). So I really only see it working in cities with lots of coastal elites, which may be a problem because everyone just telecommutes anyway.

The Validationhünd

Okay, so if you're gonna be spending a bunch of time at home with your dog, then you're gonna need it to be supportive at times you need the most help. Which is worrying about how you're perceived by others. I wish I could say this isn't the case for most of us humans, but I feel surrounded by folks who genuinely feel bad about how they might appear.

Which is a fixable problem! You just constantly need someone to remind you that you're a good and worthy person. And really, is there anyone better in that role than a dog? Let's maximize their emotional attunement and breed them to sniff out the need for external validation like they're detecting w of cancer.

From there, it's a simple head nod and loving eyes, and we've found a way to make people feel supported and appreciated for who they are.

The Anxiety Sponge Spaniel

But, you know, if we're being honest, it's a big ask to have dogs protect our emotional fragility. Is it really their responsibility? It appears we're sliding into dystopian levels of anxiety and depression, but do we have to drag dogs down with us?

Maybe not. We might be–might be!–able to create a dog breed with an endless tolerance for human psychological discomfort. In theory (and I think it would need to have bulging eyes and a soft, deformed skull capable of absorbing our massive ejections of overthinking and negative energy) we could just unload everything into this purely supportive soul and move on with our days.

No doubt this would tax the canine physiology to the extreme and lead to an early death, but if we can figure out how to bill health insurance, we could probably make millions on the puppies.

On the other hand, maybe we don't need all these new dog breeds. Maybe we've become too dependent on the emotional support they provide, and we are in fact off-loading our problems onto these trusting creatures.

Is it crazy to just look at dogs as a separate and independent species without the emotional entanglement these novel breeds would entail? After all, 75% of all the dogs in the world aren't purpose-built. They're just dogs. They live near humans, but other than dining on our refuse, they take care of themselves.

If we're really being hands-off, we could ask ourselves if they prefer it that way. Do we have to act as though they need us in all the ways we think we need them? Or is the relationship really just serving our own egos, in ways that might have a cruel reality.

1. I just want you to notice that I held back on any bestiality jokes there. You're welcome.
2. Whereas in the enlightened United States of America, Frenchies are the most popular breed.
3. Even though there were ritualized fart-duels in 17th century Japan.
4. No offense, I'm sure you love your whateveradoodle.