New Yorker Rejects #1

It's official, I'm a reject! I sent in these cartoons a month ago, and by the process of not hearing anything back, I have been officially rejected and now get to share these online!

I hope you enjoy some (or all, or none, I don't really care) of these. They were a lot of fun to do, and I'm learning a lot about the art form of single panel gag cartooning. Thanks to the input from established cartoonists (and fellow Portlanders) Shannon Wheeler and Oren Bernstein.

First up:

Don't you have a box like that from college? Like, if it got accidentally scanned and posted to Facebook, you'd probably get a call from your boss, and your kid's school, and maybe from the county parole board? Digitalization is great and all that, but I'm glad I'm old enough to remember some of the analog days.

Next up:

I think it's great to make yourself as smart as possible, but ultimately having no neck and 42 inch biceps can be advantageous too.

Then:

This might take some explaining, if you've never been inside an aquarium with a walking tunnel through the middle. If you have been, however, you've probably been up close and personal with the excretory system of a cartilagenous fish. Doesn't that feel a little invasive?

Speaking of which:

What gives you the right to chase off a native animal from "your" property? They were hunting mice in the field that was your 3 bed/2.5 bath English Tudor way before you were scrolling on Redfin. Show a little humility! Unless they're an invasive species, then preferably hunt them down and eat them.

So, next:

Goldendoodles, labradoodles, bernadoodles, and cupofnoodles are not native. They're not even real dogs. They're an amalgamation of totally dumb, non-shedding, generally happy go lucky animals designed as a convenience for people who want to look cooler than just owning a chihuahua but don't wan't an actual dog. They're the minivans of the dog world. They're fine.

But, boy:

If you have dogs and kids, your hands really are full! I think it's great that there's a lot of new approaches to parenting that focus on behavior and how emotions work. But I do think it's a bit excessive to try and explain neuroscience to a tantrumming five year old. I've seen it done in Portland, though. Many times. Sigh...

Which brings me to my next point:

Kids are obviously great, but I think we should be careful how we treat them. I think, I ideally, we would treat them as partners. That is: I want to help you and I'd appreciate your support. I don't think treating anybody like royalty benefits them. The royals are generally not known for their humility, flexibility, grit and determination. They're known for being entitled societal leeches. And for hemophilia.

Also, I guess:

Why are we hating on anybody for just doing their thing? Are we seeing offensive behavior in everything? I mean, royalty, sure. Their existence is offensive as a reminder of gross inequality. But if somebody's just living their life, and they happen to be fabulous, who cares? I'm over hate, it's so 2016.

Well, let's get back to scatalogical humor for a moment:

I don't think there's an actual medical term for "scooting", which is when a dog rubs it's butt on your nice carpet to relieve some itchiness or pressure from their anus or anal sac glands. Which can lead to confusion, at least in dogs that understand English. Maybe we start calling it, "autofrictional deanalsacculization"

And I just have to say one more thing:

Women are amazing. I saw female classmates in vet school, covered in manure, blood, and other even-less-savory body fluids, compliment each other on their hair or attire. I see my three year old daughter struggle through scraggly hair brushing to show off a cool braid at school. There's no doubt in my mind, that in a post-apocalyptic world where hazmat suits are essential for survival in a perilous and cruel landscape, women would find a way to support each other's style. No doubt.